Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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