By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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