I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
