I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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