I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
