i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
