her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
