my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
