How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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