i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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