but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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