Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
