Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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