Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
