Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
