dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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