Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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