woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
