Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
