i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think I just sharted jello shots
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
