Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
