so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
