At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
