Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
