Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
