Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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