My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
