we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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