YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
