I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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