I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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