i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
