I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
