How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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