Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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