A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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