I accidentally burped into my bong.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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