I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
