I understand Curling. That high.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
