I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
