I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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