dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
