Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
