Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
