the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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