You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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