ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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