im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Randomize
