I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
