***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
